The Step-by-Step BroScience Guide to Muscle Building and Fat Loss

Who wants to wait around for their gainz?

Getting as big as possible as quickly as possible for that week in Marbs this summer is the absolute be all and end all, so with that in mind, you have a lot of important questions to answer, like ‘is MaxiMuscle Cyclone better than Promax’, ‘are 21s the great exercise in the history of bodybuilding’, and ‘what brand of t-shirts have the tightest sleeves?’

This comprehensive step by step guide will provide you with all the answers you need to get jacked so you can stand out this summer when you’re drinking watered down lager and looking pensive on the beach. Here goes.

Step 1. Tattoo

Get a shit sleeve tattoo. This is incredibly important, because everyone else has one and you need to blend in, but it will also mean that when you do eventually reach 15 stone at 3% body fat (because that will definitely happen) your arms will look even better. Be sure to wear vests or very short sleeved t-shirts so everyone can see it in its full glory at all times.

shit sleeve tattoo
You won’t get anywhere without one of these

Step 2. Supplementation

We all know that supplements are the most important part of getting massive, it’s just not possible to achieve unless you spend at least £200 on magic powders and pills every month.

You need to chug down at least one weight gain shake everyday – they’re not called weight gainers for nothing you know. Also take shit loads of creatine because it will help you bench more than you mate, which is crucially important. Whey protein is a must, everyone knows that whey digests in about 3 seconds and is therefore really important to drink immediately after your workout, or the whole thing will be wasted. In terms of what brands to use, just go with the one with the best marketing campaign. If Ronnie Coleman says he takes it then he obviously does, and if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for you.

Ridculous Supplement stack
You’ll definitely need all this

Taste is also really important so go for a nice flavour like Cookies n’ Cream or Chocolate Orange. Too help you burn fat, take loads of fat burning pills. Completely disregard the fact that that they contain ingredients which can be easily obtained from real food, the fact that these pills come in multicoloured bottles plastered with loads of scientific-sounding words mean they’ll work much better.

Step 3. Training

Train as much a possible. The more you train the quicker you will get massive, so it’s really important to go seven times a week if you can. Make sure you do weights to get big, and cardio to lose fat, both in the same session if you can. No one really ever sees your legs, so don’t worry about training them – if you are doing lots of running that’s basically like training your legs anyway. Ensure you have a strong focus on your upper body and do three sets of 10 on every exercise – getting that pump is essential.

curls in the squat rack meme
The foundation of every great workout

Make sure you focus on your chest and biceps with plenty of presses and curls, because that’s what everyone’s going to be looking at, and don’t forget, it will make that sleeve tattoo look even better. Get your mate to spot you on every single exercise, because it will allow you lift more weight (so you look cool in the gym), make sure you do 2-3 reps on your own at the start of each set, he can help your with the rest, or even do the last couple for you if needs be.

Step 4. Nutrition

It’s all about protein, obvioulsy you should get the majority of it through all the shakes and supplements you afford, but you need plenty of chicken too. Pick the leanest sources of protein such as chicken breast, turkey breast and egg whites, you need to keep fat as low as possible, how will you get a sixpack otherwise?

If you want to gain muscle you need to eat all that, and plenty of cheat meals on top. All you need is a fuck ton of calories so don’t feel guilty about having a footlong Subway for lunch and large Dominos for dinner most days. You’ll be training really hard so all those calories will definitely be put to good use.

Its cool bro I'm bulking meme
It’s cool

Try to eat small meals regularly – about ten per day should do it, this will keep your metabolism constantly stoked – the majority of those meals should be chicken, broccoli and brown rice. Just because.

If you don’t have loads of carbs before you train, then you will probably faint in the middle of your 2nd set of bicep curls, or leave the gym having lost muscle mass, so make sure you have a huge bowl of oats before you train, and don’t be shy about jazzing it up with something sweet to make it taste better.

5. Sleep

You’ll probably want to stay up late most nights so you can have a ceasin protein shake before bed – you want to make sure your muscles are fed 24/7. If you don’t then you risk waking up and seeing your precious gainz gone.


If you heed the advice in this article, you’ll either end up fat, bloated and slightly more muscular, or skinny fat, tired and weaker than a kitten. Even worse you’ll have a shit sleeve tattoo. That’s right, this was a shameless April Fool’s joke. You probably didn’t find it funny, but I sure had fun writing it. The point is, you can actually extract something useful out of this article – by doing the complete opposite.


Read More

Jodie Marsh on Steroids

What Did Jodie Marsh Teach us About Steroids?


I like Jodie Marsh.

I think the public perception of her is totally warped, she seems pretty intelligent and I’d like to see the overweight comfort-eating women that criticise her win a figure competition in the U.S.

But this programme on TLC (Sky Channel 125) wasn’t about Jodie Marsh at all, it was about some gym users’ darkest secret, steroids – something we’ve no doubt all been tempted to try at some point in our lifting careers. Jodie shed the light on the lives of current and ex-steroid users, weighing up the pros and cons.

Jodie Marsh on Steroids

In all honesty, while the programme did present a balanced view, the over-arching message was that steroids are bad (m’kay) and, in the end not worth the plethora of risks associated with their continued use.

In males, steroids aid muscle growth and fat loss, but also can potentially cause;

  • Hair loss
  • Acne
  • Gynecomastia
  • Liver and Kidney disease

But we all knew that, right? So what else did we learn?

Well, steroids can potentially be used safely, without undesirable side effects. We saw a guy from Northern Island using them in preparation for a competition, and he certainly wasn’t bald and spotty with bitch tits.

Of course there are hundreds of different types of steroids, all which alter the body’s chemical balance in a slightly different ways, add to that the complication that each person has different chemical make-up, and there are endless possibilities for what effect each type of steroid has on each body. It’s one big lottery.

On the flipside, drinking excessively and eating shit on a regular basis also enters you into liver disease lottery, so are steroid users really any worse than junk food lovers or binge drinkers? The jury’s out.

Steroid Vial


So should you take steroids?

I’ve never taken steroids, so I can’t comment with conviction about their effects 1st hand. I’m not going to condone or condemn the use of steroids, but the question you need to ask yourself is is;

‘Do the benefits outweigh the potential risks?’

If you plan to compete in a show where there’s money at stake, possibly, but even then, is £100,000 prize money worth the risk of your heart exploding?

The answer to that might be ‘that kind of thing only happens in cases of extreme abuse‘.

The main point Jodie hammered home (for me anyway) was that’s it’s very difficult to stop once you’ve started, the dose you take initially may be safe, and although steroids aren’t technically addictive, it’s a slippery slide from dabbling to abuse, particularly if you have an addictive personality.

Make the right choice.


Read More

Miley Tongue

Girls, How Not to Get an Ass Like Miley Cyrus


So I get back from four days in Italy and what’s the internet awash with? Fracking? Gas Attacks in Syria? No, memes taking the piss out of Miley Cyrus’ ass. I knew she’d stirred up a furor of sorts a few weeks back with her unique brand of twerking, which I may add is now a word that’s been added to the Oxford English dictionary thanks to the nubile 20 year-old, but this time around it seems she’s inspired discussion on a whole new level.

Miley Tongue

It seems she’s made somewhat of a fool out of herself at the MTV VMAs with a bizarre performance that incorporated some mesmerizing tongue gymnastics, over-zealous crotch thrusting, grinding that made even Robin Thicke look a bit ill, and yet more twerking with an anemic looking backside that’s being mocked left right and centre across the web as I speak.

If you’re one of the three people left in the world who hasn’t seen the video, here it is in full. Please note the look on Rihanna’s face.

So, why the hell am I writing about this on a fitness blog? Well, Miley is exhibiting exactly why women, just like men, should aim to add muscle, and workout with weights, rather than just ‘losing weight’. If all you want to do is ‘lose weight’ you’ll end up with a less than impressive ass, and people will make fun of you when you twerk. And you don’t want that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want this to read like a bitchy article from Heat, you know ones which  make obese women temporarily feel smug as they scoff at svelte celebs who’ve apparently ‘lost their curves’ or ‘turned anorexic’. No, Miley’s body shape and size isn’t unhealthy, it’s just… She doesn’t look that great.

twerking VS Squats


It’s a classic case of an unshapely, undesirable figure  that’s the product of a focus on losing weight instead of focusing on improving body composition. It’s not simply a case that she needs to fatten up for a plumper rump, she needs more muscle.

This is achieved with exercises such as squats, lunges and deadlifts performed for multiple sets with a resistance that promotes failure around the 8-12 rep range. It also means eating a good amount of protein in order to repair and build muscle. Simple. My diagnosis of Miley’s case of ‘saggy ass’ is that she’s starved herself and done hours of cardio.

This once again reinforces the idea that fad diets which restrict calories and a lifetime spent on the cross trainer may help to shed the pounds, but don’t necessarily give you a great body (this applies to men as well). Miley (at least to my knowledge) has never been overweight, she’s just been eating and exercising the wrong way to achieve optimal body composition and therefore optimal aesthetics (I know this is subjective, but c’mon, who doesn’t like an ass that resembles two nectarines in a vacuum pack?).

So Miley provides the perfect example to women looking to trim down of what they could end up looking like if they don’t eat and train smart, using the simple methods described above and in this post. After all, who wants to invest all that effort and time to end up with an ass that still looks like shit on the beach?

To finish, here are some asses that have been carved using a solid prescription of squats and protein.


Dat Ass

squats 2

squats 1

Read More

How Did Jodie Marsh become a Bodybuilder in 8 Weeks?

Bodybuilding got some rare national press coverage last week when the Daily Mail ran a story on Jodie Marsh’s amazing transformation from page three pin-up to stage-worthy bodybuilder. The images shocked many who were accustomed to Marsh’s buxom charms, since the lads-mag center fold had stripped down to an impressive 10% body fat and added some appreciable muscle.

It is widely believed that that Marsh made a miraculous transformation in just 8 weeks, and while this does hold some truth, it doesn’t tell the whole story. In an interview with BBC Radio 1 yesterday, Marsh revealed something other than her assets for once, conceding that her assent to female Adonis was all part of a TV show charting her transformation, due to be aired in January 2012.


Jodie Marsh flexing and posing on This Morning
Image credit:


Those of you who keep your ear to the fitness press will in fact be aware that Marsh began a love affair with fitness some years ago, even appearing in a feature in the UK edition of Muscle & Fitness. That’s right Marsh is no stranger to the gym, but as she reported today, her bodybuilding show was the culmination of and 8-week program that saw her eat to put on pounds of fat (she was already svelte – almost competition shape – beforehand).


Jodie Marsh on Swiss Ball in Muscle & Fitness
Jodie featured in Muscle & Fitness a few years back


The question on everyone’s lips is, how did Marsh make this amazing transformation? Her previous years of experience in the gym no doubt helped, but going from overweight to championship body building competitor in 8 weeks to no mean feat; so what were her secrets?

As with most of my posts, I’m going to disappoint you from the start. There were no secrets, but for those of you craving a list of take-away bullet points, here you are;

  • Ultra-strict diet

Diet is important in any fitness plan but if you have 8 weeks to get stage ready, there is no room for even one cheat meal. Marsh subsisted almost solely on protein shakes (being a veggie), this isn’t the ideal sports nutrition for bodybuilding, but Marsh got everything else right and made it work for her.

  • Training Consistency

Marsh would have been training almost everyday, again 8 weeks is little more than the blink of an eye in fitness terms so she would have had to make full use of every day.

  • Desire

When asked how she did coped mentally, she said because she ‘wanted it’. If you have any hope of getting anywhere near Marsh’s condition, you too need to want it. If you don’t, you’re wasting your time.

  • Experience

As mentioned, Marsh had a good few training years behind her. Without the experience and knowledge gained from this (and plenty of advice from a good Fitness Consultant) it’s unlikely she would have been on stage. You need to take time to read up on how to reach your goals and put the gym time in to build a base level of cardiovascular fitness and muscular strength.

These four pillars of training apply to EVERYONE and you’d do well to take the Jodie Marsh approach.

Catch the TV show charting Marsh’s journey in January next year.

Read More


Subway Usurps McDonald’s Position at the Top of the Fast-Food Chain

It won’t come as surprise to you that Subway has now surpassed McDonald’s as the UK’s most popular fast food chain. I mean, who wants greasy burgers these days when you could have less greasy but equally unhealthy sub-rolls filled with fatty meat and lashings of dressing, right?

It seems that the public’s perception of Subway as the ‘healthy choice’, garnered by some clever marketing  has bolstered the eatery’s reputation above traditional purveyor’s of press, fried cow brains. This is despite McDonald’s valiant attempt to convince doubters that one of their quarter pounders were made from grass-fed rump and their chips lovingly carved from potatoes still covered in mud.

So what is it that makes Subway so healthy in the eyes of the masses? Is it the green and yellow signage which connotes the natural and the pure? Is it the fact that you have the option of unlimited, free salad, which of course helps you lose weight, or is it simply because if something is called a sandwich and not a burger, it is automatically healthy?

As we know most people jump at the next weight loss craze so when Subway came along, they all ditched their personal trainers and hopped aboard the bandwagon, convinced that those few extra cucumber slices amongst the layers of Salami and Ham would make their abdominal fat just melt away like the molten cheese oozing through said offal.

Unfortunately, calling something a sandwich and throwing a few olives in there doesn’t make it any kinder to your waistline, in fact, it’s well known in fast-food folklore that one of the worst offenders in this sector is the foot-long Subway Meatball Marinara boasting an impressive 1,500 calories, and that’s without extra sauce.

This is more than anything available from any of the tripe being peddled at Maccy D’s, and while it may be ‘healthier’, if it’s loaded with fresh vegetables, its ‘sandwich’ status doesn’t make make your gut immune to its expansive properties.

Saying that, given the choice I’d always eat at Subway, so long as you pick something that makes it worth your while. A six-inch sandwich with lean meat such as Chicken or Turkey, no cheese, your pick of vegetables and a lightweight sauce is a decent-ish meal, far more so than fried cow bollocks served with lettuce that last saw daylight in 2007.

Pick a hulking sandwich full of pig and and an oil-based dressing however and you may as well just down a pint of lard. Subway can be a useful and delicious solution if you’re stuck for a meal and are savvy with your choices, but choose the crap and you’re on a one way train to fatsville!


Read More