Who wants to wait around for their gainz?
Getting as big as possible as quickly as possible for that week in Marbs this summer is the absolute be all and end all, so with that in mind, you have a lot of important questions to answer, like ‘is MaxiMuscle Cyclone better than Promax’, ‘are 21s the great exercise in the history of bodybuilding’, and ‘what brand of t-shirts have the tightest sleeves?’
This comprehensive step by step guide will provide you with all the answers you need to get jacked so you can stand out this summer when you’re drinking watered down lager and looking pensive on the beach. Here goes.
Step 1. Tattoo
Get a shit sleeve tattoo. This is incredibly important, because everyone else has one and you need to blend in, but it will also mean that when you do eventually reach 15 stone at 3% body fat (because that will definitely happen) your arms will look even better. Be sure to wear vests or very short sleeved t-shirts so everyone can see it in its full glory at all times.
Step 2. Supplementation
We all know that supplements are the most important part of getting massive, it’s just not possible to achieve unless you spend at least £200 on magic powders and pills every month.
You need to chug down at least one weight gain shake everyday – they’re not called weight gainers for nothing you know. Also take shit loads of creatine because it will help you bench more than you mate, which is crucially important. Whey protein is a must, everyone knows that whey digests in about 3 seconds and is therefore really important to drink immediately after your workout, or the whole thing will be wasted. In terms of what brands to use, just go with the one with the best marketing campaign. If Ronnie Coleman says he takes it then he obviously does, and if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for you.
Taste is also really important so go for a nice flavour like Cookies n’ Cream or Chocolate Orange. Too help you burn fat, take loads of fat burning pills. Completely disregard the fact that that they contain ingredients which can be easily obtained from real food, the fact that these pills come in multicoloured bottles plastered with loads of scientific-sounding words mean they’ll work much better.
Step 3. Training
Train as much a possible. The more you train the quicker you will get massive, so it’s really important to go seven times a week if you can. Make sure you do weights to get big, and cardio to lose fat, both in the same session if you can. No one really ever sees your legs, so don’t worry about training them – if you are doing lots of running that’s basically like training your legs anyway. Ensure you have a strong focus on your upper body and do three sets of 10 on every exercise – getting that pump is essential.
Make sure you focus on your chest and biceps with plenty of presses and curls, because that’s what everyone’s going to be looking at, and don’t forget, it will make that sleeve tattoo look even better. Get your mate to spot you on every single exercise, because it will allow you lift more weight (so you look cool in the gym), make sure you do 2-3 reps on your own at the start of each set, he can help your with the rest, or even do the last couple for you if needs be.
Step 4. Nutrition
It’s all about protein, obvioulsy you should get the majority of it through all the shakes and supplements you afford, but you need plenty of chicken too. Pick the leanest sources of protein such as chicken breast, turkey breast and egg whites, you need to keep fat as low as possible, how will you get a sixpack otherwise?
If you want to gain muscle you need to eat all that, and plenty of cheat meals on top. All you need is a fuck ton of calories so don’t feel guilty about having a footlong Subway for lunch and large Dominos for dinner most days. You’ll be training really hard so all those calories will definitely be put to good use.
Try to eat small meals regularly – about ten per day should do it, this will keep your metabolism constantly stoked – the majority of those meals should be chicken, broccoli and brown rice. Just because.
If you don’t have loads of carbs before you train, then you will probably faint in the middle of your 2nd set of bicep curls, or leave the gym having lost muscle mass, so make sure you have a huge bowl of oats before you train, and don’t be shy about jazzing it up with something sweet to make it taste better.
You’ll probably want to stay up late most nights so you can have a ceasin protein shake before bed – you want to make sure your muscles are fed 24/7. If you don’t then you risk waking up and seeing your precious gainz gone.
If you heed the advice in this article, you’ll either end up fat, bloated and slightly more muscular, or skinny fat, tired and weaker than a kitten. Even worse you’ll have a shit sleeve tattoo. That’s right, this was a shameless April Fool’s joke. You probably didn’t find it funny, but I sure had fun writing it. The point is, you can actually extract something useful out of this article – by doing the complete opposite.